


Port Side Story: A Musical

by hobert



Category: Highlander: The Series
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-02
Updated: 2015-04-02
Packaged: 2018-03-20 20:19:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3663636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hobert/pseuds/hobert
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Posted for the first Virtual Highlander Con. Set to the music of "West Side Story".</p>
            </blockquote>





	Port Side Story: A Musical

**Author's Note:**

> This won't make much sense unless you know the musical (or movie) *really* well. Also, you need a working knowledge of the old Highlander list to get the in-in jokes. So...basically...you just should have been there!

  
**Abilene Christmas University and  
Six Flags Over Texas**  
proudly present

 

 

**PORT SIDE STORY**   
_(cue Seacover Symphony)_   


** Curtain: **

**(OVERTURE)**

_(Ba-dump      Ba-dump      Ba-dump, ba-dump)_

Long shot of the SS Holy Cow as we zoom closer to an upper deck, poolside.

_(Ba-dump      Ba-dump      Ba-dump, ba-dump)_  
(Finger snaps)  
 _(Ba-du-ba-du-bah)_

Kim, Angela, Marina, Celli, Beth, Valerie and Sunny appear from under an awning, dressed in white robes and snapping their fingers. They spread out among the deck chairs, looking for the perfect position to get a tan, watch the pool, and protect their backsides. As one, they spot the perfect position and move slowly toward it, ignored by the lone janitor mopping the deck.

_(Ba-du-ba-du-bah, Ba-du-be-du-be-du-wah)_

Megan enters.

_(Ba-duuuuuuuuuu-wah!)_

She places one sandaled foot on the deck chair the RReservists were heading for, a grin on her face. Angela and Kim taunt her, but they soon give up and head for the bar and Rob for some liquid consolation. Annie and Deborah show up from the stairs, tanning oil and colored drinks in hand, and join Megan at the deck chairs.

_(Duuuuu-wah-du-wah    du-wah, Duuuuu-wah-du-wah    du-wah)_

Celli moves away from the bar, heading for the shuffleboard area, tall margarita in hand. As she passes Annie, she stumbles, spilling the florescent drink all over Annie's one-piece. Richie the dog appears from the pool, standing in the middle of the open area. He shakes his coat, sending huge drops of water flying all over the deck, drenching the rest of the KABobs that have just arrived.

_(Bah-do-wah, Bah-do-wah!)_

The KABobs leave in a huff, heading toward the cabins, as the RReservists take over the recently vacated deck chairs. It takes a moment for them to settle, spreading blankets and liberally dousing their bare skin with lotion. Richie the dog pants happily as he settles next to Kim.

_(Bah!    Ba-de-dah!)_     (Long Pause)

Jette, Sue and Karen enter, armed with water guns. Sue hits Kim, which elicits a shriek that has Richie's short hairs on end.

_(b-duuuuuu-wa!    Bu-du-waaaaah-D-Wah!)_

Megan and Annie appear near the skeet shoot area, also armed. A water fight ensues between the RReservists and KABobs. Water, drinks, dog hair, and lotion are flying around the area, while the janitor stands to the side and slowly shakes his head.

_(Ba-da-daaa-ba-do-wa-do-wa, Ba-da-daaa-ba-do-wa-do-wa)_

Megan and Sue managed to trap Angela and pierce her ear (what is that, five, honey?) Pandemonium ensues until:

**(Police Whistle)**

Vicki appears, blowing her whistle. Women scatter, reading material flying, until a unsettling silence descends on the upper deck. Vicki looks around, eyeing the mess, then signals for the janitor to clean it up. Writing something in a little black book, the 1/2 Cruise Director turns with a huff and leaves.

The RReservists appear from behind the bar, eyeing the empty area. "Is it safe?" Marina asks. Rob nods. The women slink out into the open, shaking their heads at the mass destruction that occurred.

"Maybe we could have some peace and quite up there," Kim suggests, pointing to the uppermost deck, just below the bridge. "WOOF" Richie the dog replies, wagging his tale. The rest of the group agree, and they make their way up.

Richie Ryan, young Immortal, stood in the middle of the empty deck, dressed only in sweat pants and a glistening rapier. The women snap their fingers. The sweatpants are a little...small.

**(COOL)**

_(Ba-du-wah, ba-du-wah, ba-du-wa-du-wah)  
(Ba-du-wah, ba-du-wah, ba-du-wa-du-wah)_

**Kim:** Oh, man, I think my jaw just fell open. Wide.

Richie moves from one end of the deck to the other, waving his sword in a controlled manner, his sleek muscular form shiny with sweat. His pale skin is lightly pink, his short curls plastered to his head. He is concentrating on his cat-like moves, unaware he is being watched.

**Celli:** You want him? You play it cool.  
 **Angela:** (Fingering her ear) I  want to get even!  
 **Celli:** Get cool!  
 **Marina:** I'm gonna bust!  
 **Celli:** Bust cool.  
 **Valerie:** I'm gonna go....  
 **Celli:** (Stops her) Go cool!

(Orchestra swells )

Celli walks over to the entranced Immortal, walking beside him as he weaves his way across the hardwood deck, blue eyes intent on his workout. His chest heaves from the exertion and his lips are pressed tightly together. Celli begins to sing.

**CELLI:**   
_Boy, boy, crazy, boy,  
Get cool, boy!  
Is that a rocket  
in your pocket?  
Keep cool-ly cool, boy!_

_Don't get hot, 'Cause, man, you got  
Some hard times ahead.  
Take it slow and, Daddy-o,  
You can live it up and share my bed!_

_Boy, boy, hunky, boy,  
Stay loose, boy!  
Wipe it, brush it,  
easy does it.  
Turn on the juice, boy._

_Go, man, go, But not like a yo-yo school boy.  
Just do me, cool boy, real cooooool!_

The RReservists throw off their white robes, revealing clingy one-piece black swimsuits underneath. Each put on nose clips and black matching bathing caps and stand in a row. From the upper railing, they dive one after another into the pool below. What follows during the orchestra dance number is part Ester Williams, part Synchronized Swimming, as all seven women perform a dazzling water routine, complete with sprinklers, and those funny hand motions to the jazzy music. The music fades as they spiral into the water and come up legs first, then spiral down again.

The judging panel at poolside takes a moment to confer as the team leaves the water.

** Technical scores: **

_Anne        EDM     Cpt. Stubbing     Amanda        Kenny_  
  9.2           9.5                 9.4                    9.0                7.7

Celli and crew end up on the top deck again, surround Richie as he towels off his bare chest and pants heavily. Sorry, the _dog_ is panting. The Immortal is just breathing hard.

**CELLI:**   
_Boy, boy, studly, boy,  
You're cool, boy!  
Grab it, plug it,  
easy does it.  
You make us juice, boy._

_Go, man, go, But not like a bumbling school boy.  
Just stand there, cool boy, Real cooooool!_

The music fades as the RReservists make their way to the stairs, sitting on them, so only their heads are visible. The orchestra flips back the an earlier song and begins to play again. Close-up on Richie, the sea breeze brushing his suddenly dry hair. He looks out to sea and he leans on the railing, his perky ass clearly outlined by the wet sweatpants.

**(SOMETHING'S COMING)**

**RICHIE:**

(Vamp until ready )

_Could beeeeeee.  
Who knoooooooows._

_There's someone due any day; I will know right away,  
Soon as she shooooooows.  
She may come cannonballing down from the sky,  
gleam in her eye, bright as a rose!  
Who knooooooooooows._

_She's only just out of reach, down the stairs,  
on a beach, under a treeeeeeeee.  
I gotta feeling there's a miracle due,  
gonna come through, a girlfriend for meeeeeee._

_Could it be? Yes, it could. Juicy drama, scenes real good, if I can wait.  
My times coming, I don't know what it is, but it is, gonna be great._

_Around the corner, or by the Paris river,  
come on, deliver, the scripts._

_Will it be? Yes it will, I'll do more then standing still,  
I'll get to act._

_Come on Donna, send it in, don't be shy,  
help this guy, give me some flair!  
The set is humming, cause my big shows are coming._

_Who knows?_

_It's only just one more year, just allay, all my fear, Maybe this time..._

**CAMERA FADES:**

**CUT TO: MARINA'S CABIN**

**(I FEEL PRETTY)**

_(bom-bom-Bom! d-d-d-d-da-da-da-d-d-daaaaah!)  
(bom-bom-Bom! d-d-d-d-da-da-da-d-d-daaaaah!)_

(Vamp until _she's_ ready....)

Marina is rushing around her cabin, trying on some of her many evening gowns for tonight's dinner with Richie the Immortal. She cannot decide. On the dresser is a handwritten invitation to dinner from _him_ , addressed to "the lovely woman from South Africa". It doesn't help that Kim, Angela, Beth and Richie (the dog) are giving her _their_ opinions as well. Every time she sighs and wonders why she goes to all this trouble, she looks at the photograph taped beside the mirror, with Richie smirking and his shirt open all the way to his navel. "I what?" she asks, realizing that conversation has been going on as she dreamily gazed at the picture.

"What's going on with you?" Kim asks.

**MARINA:**   
_He's so pretty, oh, so pretty,  
He's so pretty and witty and bright,  
and I pity any girl who isn't me tonight._

_He's so charming, oh so charming,  
It's alarming how charming he feels,  
and so pretty, that I hardly can believe he's real._

_See that hunky stud in the picture there:  
Who can that attractive guy be?  
Such a handsome face, such a sweaty chest, such lovely smile,  
and he's dining out with me!_

_I feel stunning, and entrancing,  
Feel like running and dancing for joy,  
For I love such a pretty, wonderful boy._

**KIM & ANGELA:**   
_Have you met our good friend Marina,  
the craziest girl on the block?  
You'll know her the minute you see her,  
she's the one with the flag and advanced case of shock._

_She thinks she's in love, she thinks he'll remain,  
She isn't in love, she's merely insane!_

**BETH:**   
_It must be the heat_

**ANGELA:**   
_Or some rare disease,  
or to much to eat!_

**KIM:** (points to her dog)  
 _Or maybe it's fleas._

**ALL:**   
_Keep away from her, send for Kenny  
or she won't be dressed, for the dinny.  
Modest and pure, polite and refined,  
Well bred and mature..._

(They look, and spot Marina lovingly tonguing the photograph)

_And out of her mind!_

**MARINA:** (to photo)  
 _You're so pretty,  
oh so pretty,  
And, you, Richie should give me your key.  
And dear sweetheart, I'll spend all my time to pamper thee.  
You'll feel dizzy, You'll feel sunny..._

The orchestra pauses. Sunny sticks her head in from the lavatory. "Yes?"

**MARINA:**   
_You'll feel fizzy and funny and fine,  
and so sweaty, that the air conditioner will whine._

Marina has draped a black, slinky number over her T-shirt and shorts and is vamping toward the mirror, licking her lips and staring at the photo of the Studlander.

**MARINA:                                                    ALL:**   
_See this pretty girl  
as I walk toward you.                             What, are we where?  
Who can this attractive girl be?           Which, what, where, whoooom.  
Such a pretty face                                  whoooom  
such a perky chest,                               whoooom  
such a lovely smile,                              whoooom  
such a pretty me!                                   such a pretty me!_

**MARINA & ALL:**   
_I feel stunning, and entrancing,  
Feel like running and dancing for joy,  
For I love such a pretty, wonderful boy._

_(D-d-d-d-da-da-da-d-d-da-da-dah!)_

The girls dissolve into giggles as they pull out even more clothes and try them on. Richie the dog looks out from under the bed, paws over his eyes, wondering why his mistress decided to go on this stupid cruise. Not a cat or fire hydrant in sight. Sigh.

**(TONIGHT!)**

_(Ba-da-daaaaaaa. Ba-da-ba-da-ba-da BAAAAH!)  
(Ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da)_

All participants are in their respective cabins, dressing for dinner. Action cuts between people as they apply makeup, straighten bowties, shine shoes, slobber on the rug, and affix earrings. (Please assign appropriate actions to each character, thank you.) The music turns minor as mace is slipped into purses, silly string is slid into ankle sheaths, whip cream dispensers are removed from the bar refrigerators, and latest in tasers are placed down bosoms.

 

**RRESERVISTS:**   
_We're gonna have our daaaay, toni-i-ight.  
We're gonna get our waaay, toni-i-ight.  
Those musical twits grumble, "Fair fight."  
But if they start a rumble, we'll rumble 'em right._

**SJDKABobs:**   
_We're gonna hand 'em a surprise toni-i-ight.  
We're gonna cut 'em down to size toni-i-ight.  
We said "O.K., we're even, no tricks!"  
But just in case they jump us, we're ready to mix  
Tonight!_

**BOTH:**   
_We're gonna rocket tonight, we're gonna jazz it up and have us a ball!  
They're gonna get it tonight, the more they turn it on the harder they fall!_

**RRESERVISTS:**   
_Well, they began it!_

**SJDKABobs:**   
_Well, they began it!_

**BOTH:**   
_And we're the ones to stop 'em once and for all, tonight!_

_(Boom-boom-boom-boom)_

Celli is in her cabin, sitting in front of her makeup mirror, dressed in a lovely, low-cut peach number lines with feathers. She's applying the last of her eyeshadow as she sings to her reflection. A small photo of Richie, cut from his stolen driver's license, is affixed to the frame. It's the only one she could get her hands on. Her voice is strangely laced with a Spanish influence, as is the tall black hat and veil that matches her fan.

**CELLI:**   
_C-celli's gonna get her kicks toni-i-ight.  
We'll have our private little mix, toni-i-ight.  
He'll walk in hot and tired, so what?  
Don't matter what he's wearing,  
as long as he's hot_

**CELLI                                         RICHIE:**   
_Tonight!                                     Tonight,  
                                                    tonight, won't be just any night  
                                                    tonight there will be no morning star!  
                                                    Tonight, tonight,  
                                                    I'll meet my love tonight,  
                                                    And for us, stars will stop where they are  
                                                    Today the minutes pass like hours,  
                                                    the flashbacks go so slowly,  
                                                    And still I'm on TV.  
                                                    Oh, moon, grow bright,  
                                                    and turn this endless day into night!_

**CELLI:** (to mysterious stranger in the shadows)  
 _I'm counting on you to be there toni-i-ight.  
I'll win him fair and square toni-i-ight.  
That cheeky girl from SA can't win!  
And when she's stuck with Kenny,  
I'll burst out and grin!_

**MARINA:                            CELLI:                             RICHIE:**  
 _Tonight_           nbsp;                                                            (knocking)  
 _So I can count on,  
tonight                              you, boy?                        All right._

_Won't be just                  We're gonna have  
any night                         us a ball                          All right._

_Tonight there                  Wombats rule!  
will be no                                                                   Monkey suit!  
morning star                  I'll see you there.  
                                         about eight.                     Tonight_

                                          **SJDKABobs:**  
 _Tonight                           We're gonna  
                                         rock it tonight!  
Tonight                           Tonight!  
I'll see my                       We're gonna jazz  
love tonight!                   them tonight!_

Well, anyway, it degenerates into seventeen voices singing eight parts with counterpart harmony and syncopation as the orchestra plays furiously, and you can't tell what anyone's saying except "tonight" keeps popping up a lot. Just imagine it, and let's skip to the end!

**ALL:**   
_Toooooo - Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!_

_(Ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-b-d-dahhh D-d-daaaa d-d-daaaaa Ba-dah!)_

** (APPLAUSE -- CURTAIN) **

 

Curtain opens on the dining room, second seating. Richie enters, dressed in a resplendent white dinner jacket, black pressed pants and shined shoes. His black bowtie rest straight under his chin as his baby blue eyes scan the crowd. He manages to catch the attention of the maitre d',who shows him to the large, round, empty table. No one else has arrived yet.

The orchestra starts the **DANCE AT THE GYM** instrumental, which will play as underscore for this scene.

Celli, in a peach gown, suddenly appears in the entranceway. She is with Valerie, who is dressed in basic black and pearls. The maitre d' approaches instantly and escorts the pair to the table. Richie, being the gentleman he is, stands as they approach, waiting to seat himself after the ladies. The Immortal handles Celli's chair, placing her next to him, while the balding maitre d' in a black tuxedo seats Valerie. Celli eyes the open chair on the _other_ side of Richie, but says nothing. The trio exchange pleasantries as they examine the menu.

Marina enters, surrounded by Kim, Angela and Beth, all dressed in primary colors. She is heard saying "...because tonight is the real beginning of my life in America" as she enters. Richie stands agape, moving quickly to the entrance to escort the foursome.

"This way, ladies," he gestures, adding a short bow from the waist and taking Marina's arm. The music swells, making further conversation impossible, but they make it to the large table without mishaps, if people turning to stare and whisper is considered normal. Richie beams as he pulls the chair out next to him, gesturing for Marina to sit. A trio of studly, young waiters appear to help Kim, Angela and Beth as well. Finally the party is seated and the meal begins.

As the group eats, the SJDKABobs take up positions on the dance floor, waiting for the perfect moment to spring their trap. As the faction passes the Richie table, all the women hiss and bare their claws, scratching at the air between them in warning. The young Immortal looks nervous, but strangely aroused at the display. But the band members move on, and the table settles back to it's usual, high estrogen level of tension.

Dinner conversation among the RReservists goes poorly, as both Marina and Celli try to outplay each other. Richie sits between them, his napkin settled over his lap, to not alarm the ladies at his excitement and interest. To have such lovely creatures fight over him, threatening to rip his clothes off and ravish him on the turkey in white sauce and lick every tingling inch of flesh clean....

Richie shudders, a red flush crawling up from his shirt collar. The room is suddenly hot, and he nervously stands, taking the rest of the group by surprise. "Ah...ah...excuse me," he apologizes, moving hastily to the exit with his napkin still covering his lap. He makes it as far a halfway though the dance floor when a hand grabs his arm and turns him around.

**(MAMBO)**   
_(Ba-da-da-da-dah, Ba-du-wah-du-wah Du-wah.)  
(Ba-da-da-da-dah, Ba-du-wah-du-wah Du-wah.)_

"Not so fast, big boy," Celli whispers, drawing the shaky Immortal close and proceeds to mambo with him. The pair whisk their way across the floor, leaving the other dancers in the dust. They move seemlessly, sliding from one graceful position to another. A spotlight appears, framing the dancing duo as they whirl across the stage. Richie tux shirt mysteriously opens to his navel, revealing a healthy patch of pale skin. Celli's feather's fly as he spins her, her long limbs stretching out in perfect position.

Juliet Prose turns back to the camera, the pair still seen over her shoulder. "What we're now seeing is the optional competition, led off this year by a new couple, Richard Ryan and Shela Marie Lane. They are performing a rather excited dance to the ever enticing mambo. Let's join them...."

Just as the pair are completing a spin, Richie's eyes land on the beautiful Marina, watching spellbound from the sideline. The lights dim, the music fades, and it seems Richie and her are alone in the room.

**(CHA-CHA)**

The pair draw closer, his eyes taking in her petite form perfectly displayed in a sequined green gown. His hand reaches out, drawing her onto the floor as they weave around each other, close, so close, but never touching, arms stretched out to the side. Passing in front of each other, eyes locked together, the soft strains of the orchestra plinking along. The music slows as they come to stand in front of each other, arms slowly lowering to their sides.

**Richie:** You're not thinking I'm someone else?  
 **Marina:** I know you are not.  
 **Richie:** Or that we've met before?  
 **Marina:** I know we have not.  
 **Richie:** I felt, I knew, but this....  
 **Marina:** My hands are so cold.

Richie takes them in his.

**Marina:** Yours, too.

He moves her hands to his face.

**Marina:** So warm.  
 **Richie:** Yours, too.  
 **Marina:** But of course. They are the same  
 **Richie:** It's so much to believe. You're not joking?  
 **Marina:** I have not yet learned to joke that way.

Richie blushes.

**Marina:** I think now I never will.

He leans forward, catching her chin is his strong, firm hand, lifting her head as he leans over. His lips brush hers, tentative and hesitant, but her warm response and eagerness make him bolder, and the kiss deepens as their tongues glide gently across one another....

A shrill scream sounds, as Celli realizes she's been left alone on the dance floor.

**(JUMP)**   
_(*PAP* *PAP* *PAP* *PAP*)  
(Ba-da-dah. Ba-du-wah, du-wah)  
(Ba-da-dah. Ba-du-wah, du-wah)_

Marina pulls away, heading for the crowd. "Wait!" Richie cries as their hands pull apart. "I don't even know your name!"

"Marina," she replies, as the faceless people swallow her from his sight. Celli approaches, intent on dragging her prize back on the floor, but he only looks at the crowd and whispers her name.

"Marina...."

**(MARIA)**

**RICHIE:**   
_The most beautiful sound I ever heard:  
Marina, Marina, Marina, Ma-ri-na._

_All the beautiful sounds of the world in a single word.  
Marina, Marina, Marina, Ma-ri-na._

_Maa - riii - naaaa.  
I've just met a girl named Marina,  
And suddenly that name will never be the same  
to me._

_Maa - riii - naaaa.  
I've just kissed a girl named Marina.  
And suddenly I've found, how wonderful that sound can be!_

_Maa - riii - naaaa.  
Say it wrong and she'll whap you soundly  
Add a "T" and she'll thrash you roundly.  
Marina,  
how can I stop thanking Marina!_

_The most beautiful sound I ever heard.  
Maa-riiii-naaaaa._

**(SEGUE INTO BALCONY SCENE)**

Richie searches the ship, finally finding his lost love alone on the Lido deck, standing on a balcony, watching the crashing waves as the ship slides through the water. Once again, they are entranced with each other.

**Marina:** Imagine thinking you were whiney!  
 **Richie:** You see?  
 **Marina:** I see you.  
 **Richie:** See only me.

**MARINA:**   
_Only you, you're the only one I've waved forever,  
In my posts, in my words and in everything I do,  
no one else but you, ever!_

**RICHIE:**   
_And there's no one for me but Marina,  
Every girl that I save is Marina._

**MARINA:**   
_Ri-chie, Ri-chie._

**RICHIE:**   
_Always you, every time I mess things up,_

**MARINA:**   
_All the hunks there's only_

**BOTH:**   
_you and me!_

_(Dah-dah-da-dah-dah, dah-da-dah, dah-da-dah)_

**MARINA:**   
_That night, that night, it all began that night,  
that night you broke into Mac's antiques._

_That night, that night,  
You caught my heart that night,  
what you wore, what you said, what you be...._

_Next day, all day I had a feeling,  
your part would be important,  
I know now I was right._

_For here you are, and what was just a kid  
is a staaaaaaar. Toooniiiight._

(They kiss)

**BOTH:**   
_Goodnight,  
goodnight,  
Sleep well, and when you dream,  
dream of me toooo-niiiiiiiiiiiight._

_(Ba-daaaaaaaaa. Duum.)_

**CUT TO: ONBOARD STABLES**

**(GEE, OFFICER KRUPKE)**   
_(Om-chink, Om-chink, Oooom, Do-do-do-do-do-Om-chink, Om-chink, Oooom)_

(Vamp while RReservists, minus Celli and Marina sneak into the stables. The horses stare at them, swishing their tails in curiosity. All talking is in whispers.)

**Kim:** What are we doing here?  
 **Beth:** Simple. This is the comic relief song.  
 **Valerie:** Yeah. If we didn't break up the depressing story...  
 **Angela:** ...people would be throwing themselves overboard.  
 **Beth:** Or making out with Kenny...  
 **Valerie:** Or sabotaging the boat.  
 **Richie:** WOOF!  
 **All:** Shhhhh.  
 **Richie:** Whiiiiiiiine.

(Still vamping)

**Kim:** OK, so why are we _here_ of all places?  
 **Angela:** Well, these poor studs need entertaining....  
 **Beth:** And EDM is busy....  
 **Valerie:** And the lyrics won't work with Methos....  
 **Kim:** Okay, okay, okay. Who goes first?  
 **Beth:** I do.  
 **Richie:** Whiiiiiiine.  
 **All:** Shhhhhhhhhish!

(Aaaand, out of vamp)

**BETH:**   
_Deeeeeear....  
Kindly Miss Kra-kow-a,  
you gotta understand,  
the cavalry is costly,  
and getting out of hand.  
The horses need a break, now,  
and beer ain't getting cheap.  
Golly, liser,  
The list thinks we are creeps!_

**ALL:**   
_Gee, Kernal Kra-kow-a,  
we're very upset;  
we never get respect the other flag-wavers get.  
We ain't all that crazy,  
just misunderstood,  
deep down inside us, we are good._

**BETH:**   
_We are good!_

**ALL:**   
_We are good, we are good, we just are damn fine good,  
Like inside, the worst of us is good! _

(Om-chink, Om-chink, Oooom, Do-do-do-do-do-Om-chink, Om-chink, Oooom)

**Kim:** (in a fair imitation of LC Krakowa)  
That's a touching good story!  
 **Beth:** Lemme tell it to the world!  
 **Kim:** (*Whap*) Just tell it to a listowner!

_(Om-chink, Om-chink, Oooom, Do-do-do-do-do-Om-chink, Om-chink, Oooom0_

**ANGELA:**   
_Deeeeeear,  
Kindly Debbie Douglas,  
The list just treats us rough,  
The newbies gripe and grumble,  
The geezers are too tough,  
The weasel's getting slimy,  
I think we've all been had!_

_Morphin' Wombats!  
That's why it's so bad! _

**BETH:** (Imitating Debbie with whip)  
*snap*  
 _Kernal Kra-kow-a,  
you're talking too much,  
the list don't need a mom,  
it needs a whole lotta luck!_

_It's all of those postings that otta be curbed!  
You're psychologically disturbed! _

**ANGELA:**  
I'm DISTURBED!

**ALL:**   
_We're disturbed, we're disturbed,  
We're the most disturbed,  
Like we're psychologically disturbed!_

_(Om-chink, Om-chink, Oooom, Do-do-do-do-do-Om-chink, Om-chink, Oooom)_

**Beth:** (Still imitating Debbie)  
In the opinion of the Goddess, this listee is depraved  
on account she ain't' had enough Richie on TV.  
 **Angela:** Hey, I'm depraved on account I'm deprived!  
 **Rob:** You wish!  
 **Beth:** (*Crack*) So take her to the producers!

_(Om-chink, Om-chink, Oooom, Do-do-do-do-do-Om-chink, Om-chink, Oooom)_

**KIM:** (Talking to Angela , who has a stogie in her mouth)  
 _The plots careen all over,  
The editing is slow,  
The D-O-M's an S-O-B  
The ratings are too low!_

_The YAHI's getting thicker,  
the scripts just down-right suck!  
Golly! Panzer!  
Why are you a.... _

**ANGELA:** (Coughs)  
 _Why, Kernal Kra-kow-a  
this girl is a slob,  
The show don't need a bad critique  
just get her a job!  
And let her make her own show,  
and watch it fade away!_

_Goodness, gracious, don't need this today!_

**ALL:**   
_Not today, not today, not at all today,  
We don't need this stuff at all today!_

_(Om-chink, Om-chink, Oooom, Do-do-do-do-do-Om-chink, Om-chink, Oooom)_

**Angela:** (Still imitating Panzer and puffing on the stogie)  
In my opinion, this show doesn't need help at all.  
Falling ratings and lurkerdom are purely a social disease.  
 **Kim:** Hey, I've got a social disease!  
 **Richie:** Rorf!  
 **Beth:** (*Puff*) So take her to Watchers.

_(Om-chink, Om-chink, Oooom, Do-do-do-do-do-Om-chink, Om-chink, Oooom)_

Joe shuffles in and sits on a crate. The girls stumble over to him and stop momentarily, wondering where _he_ came from. Giving a shrug, the orchestra starts back up and they resume.

**VALERIE:**

_Dear, kindly Joseph Dawson,  
They say you broke your word,  
And traipsed with Immortals,  
and other things absurd!  
They want to punch your button,  
but punch their lights instead!  
Don't give up, cause  
all you'll be is dead! _

**JOE:**   
_Well, Kernal Kra-kow-a  
You've done it hip-hip,  
This girl don't need no watchin'  
just throw her offa the ship!  
It ain't just a question  
of freedom of speech!  
Open her mouth and she'll just screech! _

**VALERIE:** (screeching)  
I'll just screech?

**ALL:**   
_We'll just screech, we'll just screech,  
Yell and scream and screech.  
All the factions do is scream and screech!_

_(Om-chink, Om-chink, Oooom, Do-do-do-do-do-Om-chink, Om-chink, Oooom)_

**BETH:** The trouble is the posters!  
 **KIM:** The trouble is the flames!  
 **ANGELA:** The trouble is off-topic stuff!  
 **VALERIE:** The ferrets are to blame!  
 **ROB:** The trouble is the smilies,  
 **JOE:** The trouble is my part!

**ALL:**   
_Ker-nal Kra-kow-a  
Highlander is art! _

(Kicksteps!)

_Gee,  
Kernal Kra-kow-a  
The horses are lame!  
The magic pool is getting stale,  
and we love to flame._

_The reruns are hellish,  
so what can we do?_

_Gee, Kernal Kra-kow-a  
Kow you! _

(Bomp!)

Giggles are heard as the assembles party heads out the open barn door onto the Aloha deck, the soft brush of heels on hay a counterpoint to the horses chewing the cud. Suddenly, the door opens, and in steps the SJDKABobs, silly string armed and loaded. A fight ensues, with the cavalry adding more mayhem from the sliding pole. Joe stutters under the assault, trying to tell his faction that he's inside, but it's hopeless. Soon water guns appear, soaking all the participants. Richie the dog gets hit from the side by a participant that looks suspiciously like Richie the Immortal. He goes down yelping, as the RReservists try to shield his fur-covered body with their own. Kim is bawling as they struggle to reach the hidden trap door to the lower deck, and descend to safety. Once the SJDKABobs realize their blues-singing man is laying helpless on the soaked hay floor, they open up covering fire at the MFWs to let Deborah pull the Watcher to safety.

Silence ensues in the darkened stable, as the soft sounds of horses breathing lull the last onlookers away. "Well, Guin," one snorts, hay spewing from its mouth. "That's about the most exciting thing _I've_ ever seen." Guinesse agrees, but is loath to let the rest of the herd know. Where are the mares? The brochure plainly stated there would be ample broodmares for this useless excursion. And plenty of green hills to romp around. Heck, they hadn't even been let off at a port of call. What's the use? Why were they here? The cavalry feels impotent without them? *snort*

**CUT TO:  
MARINA'S CABIN.**

The lights are low. You can barely make out the two forms entwined on the large bed, the white sheet curved around their bodies in repose. Suddenly, a frantic knock is heard at the door.

"Marina! It's Celli! Open up! There's been a fight, Richie's hurt! Marina?"

Marina stretched languishly, feeling the warm, smooth flesh of Richie under her hands. Other parts stirred again as the pair came slowly awake.

"Marina! I know you're in there! Open up!"

Richie opened one eye, raking over her naked form. "Good morning, sunshine!"

"You must go," Marina begged him, a strong Spanish lilt thickening her tongue. "Celli can't find you here!"

Richie lay back on the bed, stretching his arms and lazily placing them behind his head. His firm body was laid out on the bed like a buffet, inviting her to eat again. "Oooh," Marina breathed, pulling his torso out of bed, bending down and throwing him over her shoulder in a fireman's carry.

"Hey, wait a minute!" He protested, the sheet flying about the room.

Quickly, she decided the closet and bathroom would be the first place Celli would check. There wasn't enough room for Richie under the bed since he bulked up, not the *she* was complaining any. Ditto on hiding him behind the door. He'd get a doorknob in an area she wanted fully functional. That left....

Richie yelled as she crossed to the outer wall, eyeing the small porthole. "Well, if it worked for the china, it'll work for him." Hurriedly, she stuffed Richie's naked body thought the small opening, listening to his yell diminish, followed by a loud splash, and a small amount of water shot into the room. Then, she quickly closed the hatch, wrapped her sweaty body in the sheet, and opened the door.

Celli was a mess. The peach coloring on the gown was spotty, and it was clashing with the neon silly string. And she was soaked as well. Her mascara had run and her shoes were in her hand. "What took you so long!" she screeched, still in that mode from the last song.

"I...I was sleeping..." Marina innocently stated.

"He was _here_ ," Celli replied. She could smell his musky scent in the room. "Do you know what he's done! He's part of the mob that almost killed Richie the dog!" She waved the poor pooch's dripping collar for emphasis. "That's the kind of character you want to wave a flag for?"

"No," Marina begged, unable to face the truth before her eyes, the memory of his pale, sweaty skin blinding her to the soggy reality. "He's not...not like that!"

Celli: You still don't accept that Richie is one of _them_!

**(A BOY LIKE THAT)**   
_(Bo-do-do-Waah, Ba-do-wah.)  
(Bo-do-do-Waah, Ba-do-wah-do-wah.)_

**CELLI:**   
_A boy like that is not your brother,  
Forget that boy, and pick another,  
one who deserves you,  
who won't still hurt you,_

_(Bo-do-do-Waah, Ba-do-wah.)  
(Bo-do-do-Waah, Ba-do-wah-do-wah.)_

_A boy like that, will give you sorrow,  
You'll meet another stud tomorrow,  
Like Richie's stand-in  
or Martin Cummins!_

_A boy who strips cannot love,  
A boy who kills has no heart,  
And he's the one who gets your love,  
And get's your heart.  
Very smart, Marina, very smart!_

_(Bo-do-do-Waah, Ba-do-wah.)  
(Bo-do-do-Waah, Ba-do-wah-do-wah.)_

_A guy like that, wants one thing only,  
And when he's through, he'll leave you lonely,  
He'll squander you love, He squandered my love._

_Just wait and see, just wait, Marina, Just wait and see..._

**MARINA:**   
_Oh, no Ce-celli, no, oh, Celli, no!  
It isn't true, not for me,  
It's true for you, not for me!  
He read your zines, and read you words,  
You know he's smart,_

(Orchestra stops)

_You should know better!_

_You loved him too,  
Or so you said.  
You should know better._

(Orchestra resumes)

_I have a flag, and it waves, just for him.  
Right or wrong, what else can I do?_

_I want him, I'm his,  
No matter who he is,  
I will watch._

_And tape him,  
tape him forever,  
And watch him now,  
tomorrow  
And all of my life!_

(Orchestra goes crazy!)

**BOTH:**   
_When lust comes so strong,  
There is no right and wrong,  
That stud is your....liiiiiiiiiiiiiiife._

_(Daaa, da-da-daaaa, da-da-daaaaaa, da-da-daaaaaa)_

The two women rush to the deck, barreling their way into the crowd surrounding the poor animal. Kim is kneeling beside Richie as she picks a perfect D# out of thin air.

**(FINALE)**  
 **KIM:                                                                                 RICHIE THE DOG:**  
 _Hold my hand and we're halfway there.  
Hold my hand and I'll take you there.                      Rowf, rowf, rowf, rowf, rowf  
Some-how.                                                                    Row-woff._ (He falters)  
 _Some day._                                                                     (He dies.)

(Orchestra continues)

Kim pulls a gun, holding it on the faction members who look on in sadness. "Is this what you wanted?" Some of the RReservists move forward to comfort her, but she turns on them as well. "STAY BACK!" She breaks down and cries, and Beth and Valerie hold her. Kim, Angela and Marina struggle to lift the dog, but falter. In seconds, a few of the band members are there to help, and both faction glare for a second at each other. But the sadness of Richie's death has touch all of them, and they solemnly walk toward the elevators with the corpse between them. Rob settles a white veil he had behind the bar over Kim's shoulders as Celli helps her to stand and they follow her pet. The rest of the factions follow behind, as they clear the deck and trail the grieving listees. Night swallows the drifting SS Holy Cow, as it sails to yet another port, the deck empty, save for Rob, who slowly shakes his head and cleans one last glass.

_(Ba-daaaaaaaaaa.)  
(boom)_

_(Ba-daaaaaaaaaa.)  
(boom)_

_(Baaaaaaa-daaaaaaaaaaaaa)_

__

 

__

 

_(Booooom)_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
**THE END**  
No animals or factions were harmed  
during the making of this post.

**Author's Note:**

> So, a little more explanation.
> 
> Back in the dark ages of fandom, when most people were on AOL or Compuserv, and the extent of our communication involved mailing lists (COLLEGE. MAILING. LISTS.) and no webpages or forums or Myspace or even images (dial-up, people, DIAL. UP.), the Highlander producers decided to hold a convention.
> 
> For those of us that couldn't go, we had our very own virtual convention. Things got a little out of hand. Okay, for a bunch of people who could drink themselves silly in their own home, really-really-really out of hand.
> 
> This was (one of) my contributions.


End file.
